Bittersweet

…this has been my heart over the last number of months. These are my parents hands during one of our visits at her long-term care home. We’ve been grateful for these times, yet my dad and I struggled to keep it together when it came time to leave. We would walk to the car in silence, both wishing she could come with us.

These last two and a half years, I have had an underlying sadness and fear that I have struggled to put words to. I tried to explain to my sister, the unease and impending doom I couldn’t seem to shake. She is wise to these things and understood right away. She said it was “anticipatory grief”. There was a name for it and it was more common than I knew. For me, I was anticipating the inevitability of losing my parents. Admitting this and saying it out loud felt like a betrayal to life itself. However, I needed to look at this all-consuming feeling for what it was. It’s a reality that is part of life and of loving.

As the news of the Corona virus emerged, my anxiety grew deeper, and, like the rest of the world, I watched in horror at the lives being lost at such an alarming rate. Feeling we were all doomed, I kept the news on so as to not miss a thing. I wanted to help, I wanted to connect, but didn’t know what to do. I was, and still am, terrified, with my mom in long-term care and my dad, age 90, with diabetes. My heart still races with every mention of long-term care outbreaks. The devastation of not being able to see loved ones at this dire time is unimaginable. The emotions coming up inside of me around potentially losing my parents to this pandemic continue to fill me with an undeniable fear. This fear of loss, paired with my guilt for even “having such thoughts” adds another layer to my anguish.

The hardest moment was just after the long-term care homes shut down to visitors, my mom phoned me and we tried to wrap our minds around what was happening. We were fearful of the unknown and on the verge of breaking down. She echoed my thoughts when she cried, “I feel like I’ll never see you again…” In that moment my deepest fears were coming true and she was as terrified as I was. The pain of separation was unmistakeable as we tried to reassure each other that things will be okay. We knew we’d have to hang up sometime, and so through cracked voices, we expressed our love for each other and reluctantly said good bye. Overwhelmed with emotion, I cried until I had nothing left in me.

Each country, each family, each person, each with their own set of circumstances, has a story to tell. We’ve watched, we’ve waited, and we’ve stayed home. Never before has “we are as strong as our weakest link,” been so relevant to me.

As restrictions now loosen, and the world continues to be in turmoil, let’s remember to love ourselves and each other. If we are fortunate enough to have loved ones with us, let’s pull them close. The future is undetermined and our desire to love and be loved is universal. Let’s ease our hearts through connection, through sharing, through listening… And yes, through laughter.

“Love’s the only house big enough for all the pain in the world…” -Martina McBride, Love’s the Only House

“There is a silence into which the world can not intrude. There is an ancient peace you carry in your heart and have not lost…” -A Course in Miracles, L164

If you would like to know when aspiritualbadass has a new post, click on the “follow/subscribe” button; you will then receive an email notifying you. (Your computer may not recognize the email, so don’t forget to look in junk mail)