Elder Care

It’s been too long since I’ve written a blog. I wanted so much to write a light hearted summer blog, and I tried, but it wasn’t coming out free and easy. It hasn’t been a summer of sunshine and lollipops. So this will be what it is. For those of you who have read my blog in June called “Who Are Your Heroes”, you know my mom had a stroke and now lives in a 24 hour care facility. My dad is 90 years old next month and is living by himself after 67 years together. It’s been 18 months now, and still, so many emotions.

This new set of circumstances has altered the direction of my daily life. Of all our lives. Aside from the emotional component, navigating our way through the health care system has proven to be extremely arduous. There has been an endless stream of unbending conditions and relentless problems to solve.

Growing up, and especially as an adult, I’ve always wanted to live close to my parents. As long as they were alive, I wanted be there for them, especially when the time came that they would need help. That time arrived, and oh what a journey.

This last year and a half I’ve spent a great deal of time with them in the care home that my mother now lives, whether it be tending to her needs, advocating for her welfare, or having a game of Rumicubes. I am honoured to help. I see other residents alone, longing for companionship, and my heart aches for them. My dad has limited vision and is extremely devoted, he visits nearly every single day, bringing her healthy food and flowers; steadfast in his care and concern for her.

When I am there with them, I don’t mind one bit, I’m happy to be able to spend time and be of support. It’s a privilege to be of service to two people whom I love so very much. It’s when I get home and my own to do list is screaming at me that I am overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all. There is never a shortage of things that must be done. Essentially, everything doubles, appointments for myself, appointments for them, groceries for myself, groceries for them, my bills, their bills, it honestly never ends and it is exhausting. But yes, I would do it all over again.

Then there is decision making – constant, challenging, and often time sensitive. Yet a bigger player in decision making, is emotions. Good old emotions, they just can’t stay out of anything. I understand that anger and discord come out of fear and are a cry for help, yet I can’t help but be terribly affected when in or around these situations. I am the type of person who avoids conflict at almost all costs. That being said… when it comes to a loved one, I am able to assert myself when necessary. I don’t like it, but I can do it.

Then there is the guilt, it serves no purpose and it blocks goodness. One of my favourite little books, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Riuz says to always do your best, and I do. However, to quote from his book (page 76), “…your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good. When you wake up refreshed and energized in the morning, your best will be better than when you are tired at night. Your best will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick…” I have had negative feelings, I have vented to a friend, I have crashed on the couch, I have wished for a day with no demands, and I’ve had a pang of guilt in admitting all this… I realize that it’s okay to have these feelings, it doesn’t mean I love anyone less, it means I need to take care of myself as well. On the days when it all seems too much, I come home faded, frustrated and ready to break. And I do break. In the last year and a half, meltdowns have been a given for me.

It’s not just the busyness, the advocating, the decision making, and the guilt, it’s also the grief. My grief, their grief. It’s nearing the end of life for my parents. My beautiful parents. Hanging on to every moment they can. I’ve learnt more about my parents than I ever thought I would. Their personal dynamics, how they handle stress, and how they always come back to each other. I’ve learnt how deeply connected I am to them, if they are unhappy, I am unhappy, if they are happy, I am happy. I long to hear my mom’s laughter again, and to just “be silly” with my dad. It’s saying good-bye to what was, and accepting and settling in to what is.

The veil of sadness is slowly lifting and the pace of life is calming down. I am regaining the oomph to get my own shit done and spend time with my interests.

At the end of the day, it’s all about love, and only love. Every life has its ups and downs. Whether it be family, friends, care aids, people serving a meal, or our pets, caring for one another in what ever ways we can is what brings richness into life.

Forget the times of your distress, but never forget what they taught you. – Herbert Gasser

Love and guilt cannot coexist, and to accept one is to deny the other. – A Course in Miracles

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